I am free to be my True Self. My life is mine. — Love it Now

White, the element Metal “Everything is changing, and I’ve been here for too long. Going through the same things (…) got to move on.” If the element Metal could express itself in two sentences then probably it would use the words of Sigma. Transformation and letting go is its core. Dying and not-knowing (what next) […]

via I am free to be my True Self. My life is mine. — Love it Now

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Untamed Heart

Wild and reckless. ….. I ran free….. like a wildfire. … burning…. unpredictable. …. and could change my path in a moment just by the direction of the wind. Many who came across my path felt my wildness and wanted to run with me…… many couldn’t keep up….others, like hunters….. lured me….. and tried to  cage me….. capture  my essence. …my wildness. …. free spirit….. and keep it to themselves …..like something precious they’ve found and want to hide it away so no one else can take it from them. Many I escaped and left ravaged. … on their knees begging not to leave…… I am a fucking storm….. cage me and I will only get stronger and blow the top off and leave you in shambles. ….. rubble. …of the walls you tried to build around me.

I wasn’t put here to be captured and caged……. I was put here to set ablaze every heart I come across…… and bring it alive…..not to awaken greed, jealousy and control……. possessiveness. ……

I …. such a wild heart….. wild spirit….. I never stayed in one place long enough to grow roots….. no….. that was too permanent for me……. I never let anyone get too close that it could destroy me….never….. I loved….. yes…. gave….gave parts of me….. but only certain…… I never handed someone all of me…… and I never let anyone fully in……. never let myself experience the love….. full irrational,  ravaging love , people speak of……. no……. that, to me, was a bigger storm than I …….. and I like a tornado …… sucked in my surroundings ……causing destruction  and gaining strength. ……. always having the upper hand. …… until…….

I made a great mistake. ….. and went down the wrong path……. and ran into another tornado. ….. intertwining and collapsing. …… I let another suck the wind right out of me…… and ground me……. but not in a healthy way……. it was like I was bottled ……. suffocated. …….. I had lost my wildness….. my strength. ….. my free spirit…… I had grown so weak I thought I would die…… until, the one who ” bottled ” me , had shaken me ……. thrown me……shattered my vessel that I was kept in…….

I was set free ……

now….. changed….. meek…… weary….. untrusting and hyper vigilant to anyone who comes too close….. I feel as if I’m nothing but a dust devil…….. but, every once in a while I feel little sparks inside me….. like bolts of lightning and the rumble of Thunder. ….. I am transmuting …… a derecho ….. redeveloping. …..reaching the earth’s surface….. I feel my healing…… my calling…… my strength. ….. I spread myself along the horizon. …. ready to gain momentum. …..

until….

I suddenly notice something intriguing. ….beautiful. ….different. ……I watch and study for a while….. what is this beauty in front of me ?  I go and test it’s surroundings…… it’s a man ….. a MAN. ….. different than any I’ve ever encountered …… he’s strong….. an unfamiliar strength and gentleness in one being …… calm…. and wise…….. me…… a storm…. sometimes uncontrollable. ….. I send out gusts of myself ……. and he never moves ….. never falters. ….. who is this man ?  I draw back in my storm and at times cowering back into myself……. I’ve never come across someone on the same level as I or higher, that has intrigued me as much as he has……..

You terrify me, cause you’re a man, you’re not a boy. You’ve got some power and I can’t treat you like a toy. You’re the road less traveled by a little girl. You disregard the mess, while I try to control the world. Don’t leave me, stay here and frighten me. Don’t leave me, come on enlighten me………. challenge me, watch me squirm baby…… I want to play a fair game ….. I’ve always had the upper hand      ~ Sia

He is strong but calm and gentle. ….. that is foreign to me……. I let my guard down. …. I’m frightened. ….. I just want him to come closer…… let me feel you…..let me learn from you….. teach me what you know….. I want to let you in…… I know, no matter how strong my storm can get…… he won’t budge. … he knows how to calm me….. to draw me in, in such a beautiful – gentle way …… he doesn’t try to cage me….. he loves my wildness….. he recognizes the beauty in my free spirit and enjoys watching me dance on the horizon. …. this time no destruction. ….. only leaving the sky colored with the brightest hues, that have colored my heart since meeting him…… highlighting the sky with love…… my love for wildness….. freedom…..my love…….for him.

I LOVED

 

I wake up in the morning with an ache in my stomach and chest and tears in my eyes. Each day just wanting to go back to sleep…don’t want to feel this….it hurts too much. I try to have the strength to get out of bed and face each day…. I sit up, take a deep breath and take a few minutes to sit on the side of the bed….and tears start to well up in my eyes…. I wipe them away….close my eyes and turn my face to the window and let the sun touch my face….clench the side of the bed with my hands and think to myself, you can do this….

I can’t be who he wants me to be…..all I can be is me….and to feel like that’s not enough,  to someone you were so hopeful felt the same way, is a knife to the heart. It’s an actual pain to my chest. How can he not see me…ME…..all he sees is the bullshit going on around me….does he even realize that shit  isn’t me…..it’s just stuff I am having to deal with….and through all of it , I am still standing on my goddamn feet…..doesn’t that say something about me as a woman….I stand and I deal….no matter what. Not once did I ask him to bail me out, to save me….I’ve handled each thing myself. All I ever wanted from him was to have him by my side….to know he was in my corner…to know I wasn’t alone. I don’t need anyone to save me….I just wanted him by my side as I handled the shit being thrown my way. But, sitting here,I’ve realized, if he’s willing to walk away from me because of the shit going on around me….because everything isn’t all champagne and roses…..then that just shows me what type of man he is…..if I was to to get really sick again or something worse happened, that just shows me that he wouldn’t stay and be the strong man I can count on to be in my corner…. and I don’t want someone like that in my life….life is messy, it’s unpredictable. …it’s not perfect….I can’t wear a mask and pretend and be plastic  ” fake ” ….that’s not me….if that’s what he thinks life should be or how a partner is going to be, well then he’s going to be real lonely….or get bored with the plastics and miss a real authentic woman. A woman who can handle whatever life throws at her….and isn’t afraid to get dirty and cry and scream and laugh and dance and be silly….be real….I don’t have anything to pretend for and I don’t want to….life is too short…. I just want someone I can be real with…..someone who isn’t afraid of storms and doesnt run for shelter when shit gets tough…..no…… I want a man who will face that shit with me. 

I don’t want to do the what ifs….but just for a moment I’m going to allow myself to write them all down and release them….. I just wanted him to know me….the me before an ex husband….the me before kids…..that person is still in here wanting to run free with the right man. I am still filled with so much love and passion, even after all the heartache I’ve endured ….I just wanted him to feel what it feels like to be free and wild and in mad love…..to take him on adventures and make memories….to see him smile and laugh until he cried….roll around in bed making love and look in his eye with tears in mine…. show him how much he touches my soul….and have him feel what it feels like when someone touches you so deeply ,that it moves you to tears…..I could’ve loved him like that…. I wanted him to look in my eye and see that same feeling, that we feel each other so deeply …..it’s the most moving, magickal,  sensual feeling to know you love someone so much that in that moment you can feel their soul. I wanted to show him the deepest parts of me and bring forth the deepest parts of him…. but that will never be…. to him, I suppose  I am not that…. he’d rather have the plastics it seems…. I don’t know…. he will one day realize I could’ve taken him on the journey to his soul and he’s going to wish he had the balls to have stayed and found that with me…. no other woman is going to bring him to that level…. in my soul, I truly feel that and believe that….. how can he not see and feel who I am…. an oracle. ….one who would have loved him like no other…..my heart is broken and it is painful….but beautiful at the same time….he broke me wide open and made me realize I’m not less than….I’m too much for the wrong man…..this heartache broke open a piece in me that right now feels like death, but I know it is the transcendence I needed to move me past my limitations of the heart and mind and it is a bittersweet beautiful death. …..and I will not fight it…..I will feel every bit of it….and cry and smile….. I loved…. I LOVED…..and I will never be sorry for that.

TO HIM….

I need to thank you….

Thank you for waking my soul…it had been sleeping for far too long

Thank you for always listening

Thank you for all the incredibly thoughtful things you’ve done and given me….no one has ever shown such thoughtfulness

Thank you for always being the calmness I needed… I am a fierce and fiery woman and to have your calmness was to me the perfect balance….to bring me back down to myself in times when I needed it…. I always appreciated that so much and was grateful to have you be like that with me.

Thank you for giving me hope….hope that there is always a better tomorrow. ..it’s all in the mindset….thank you for always reminding me of that.

Thank you for our brilliant conversations and sometimes debates and challenging me…..challenging my thoughts, mind and heart.

Thank you for teaching me my worth….it is in my heartache that I have completely found that.

Thank you for helping me to feel that my dreams of going on adventures again were only in fingers reach…and because of that I am wholeheartedly pursuing them.

Thank you for opening my heart and overflowing it with the most intoxicatingly beautiful feeling of falling in love.

Thank you for breaking my heart wide open…..it needed to bleed, to breath, to feel, to let every bit of emotion I’ve kept hidden, come rushing out…. and in that, the light has finally come in. …and the most beautiful parts of me can now bloom.

 

 

Hungry heart…fearful tongue

Why do I hold my tongue. …. I’ve jumped….I’m falling… what if he’s not there to catch me….why am i holding back…… I fear I’m too much…. he’s pierced past my facade. ..now that he’s entered the unknown of me….I’m terrified. …what if he doesn’t like what he finds….what if I’m not good enough….hell, I don’t even know what lurks inside….. it’s like a gateway has been opened….and part of me that hasn’t seen the light of day since  childhood, is coming out….fearful…unfamiliar. …disoriented  and frightened. …not of him….but of this unknown….unknown part of me….that no one has ever touched. And somehow, he has.

I feel like Im getting better…..but what if my illness comes back. ….will he be there….will he care enough to stay…. will he hold me when I’m afraid… I’m scared I can’t and he won’t understand. ..or even want to wait around…or that he won’t even want to deal with my illness, my past, my fears….me….no one ever has. I feel like I have a hurricane going on…and through all of it, all I can see is him…. if I walk out into the storm, will he keep me safe…protect me…save me….or even  have the courage to meet me in the storm ….I feel like I have no faith in someone caring enough…. my heart has never felt such rawness…. I want to know my heart is safe …I’m safe…. is he man enough to dive into my rapids when they are raging….. and pick me up and calm me….and give me a safe place to fall…..I am open…. my heart is pouring out….and my mind is spinning….all the what ifs , that I fear I cannot speak…..are consuming. … I’ve been strong for so long…. I’m getting tired…. is he that man, that can stand firm….take control. …and bring calmness and a healing power to this mind of mine….. and hold gently this weathered heart ….

 

I AM

ravaged,  but spirited

damaged, but still deserving

~Segovia Amil

What the fuck am I so afraid of ?

I step out to get a glimpse of the sun and breathe in the fresh air….then I realize, I’m by myself….and I start to panic….alone…. Is that it ? 

I’ve analyzed this internal dialog a thousand times….replaying old scenarios and old memories in my mind….but I’m lying to myself….why can’t I even tell the truth to myself ?  For fuck sake….what the fuck am I so afraid of ? I skew the memories…and tell myself the story I want to hear. 

What will I really be or look like if I actually write it all out….the whole fucking truth….on paper. …what will I see….my weaknesses,  my strength,  my selfishness, my cruelty,  my ignorance, my impulsiveness,  my sadness, my fears…..every ugly little thing about me that I don’t want to face ….that’s so stupid….especially after all the fucking shit I’ve been through. The last person I would think of to not be there, understand,  or have my back or support me…..is me. How fucked up is that….why do I deny myself healing and truth and self love….

My mind constantly plays on a loop…..I want to let go off the past but the past doesn’t want to let go of me….. it’s like a leach to my soul… I wanna reach in, grab that fucker and rip him off me…..then I realize I’m covered in them… like a frenzy I want to scream, scratch and rip them off…..now what…. I’m left standing here bleeding. ..weary and weak…..now  the scent of my blood makes me bait for the vultures. …. this is my internal hell….

Pale Death

Each day death crawls into my body:

Cutting through, with talon and tooth

Falling from above, with scythe and shroud

Reaching for me, tying me to dreams

Luring me…. who can deny such angel

~ Segovia Amil

Is this life a dream ?

After being prompted to focus on the word ‘dream’ today, I automatically thought of a video I watched not long ago called “Is this life a dream ? ” In this video Alan Watts explains inception and lucid dreaming in his lecture : Out of your mind. It is absolutely one of my favorite. … it always inspires me and gets me thinking ….. can you imagine if we all went out there into the world and made all our wildest dreams come true …. lived them….. climbed that mountain, jumped out of that fucking airplane. …… traveled to the other side of the world and put your hands and feet in that foreign soil….. ran to the person you love,  who is unaware you love them….and have the courage to tell them….sit with the gurus of India…..really left your footprint…. your soul print on this world….so every being will know you were here….. that’s what we all want, right ?  …. proof that we lived….really lived….proof that you were here….. I think that’s what we’re afraid of…. to be forgotten. …if we’re not remembered , did we even exist?  ….so the question is, do you exist. … is this life one big lucid dream….. possibly. .. and in that case, what the hell is stopping you …..create those dreams. ….what are you waiting for…. this is your dream.

When we’re children. ..we play…we imagine…..nothing is impossible to us…. THAT child is still inside you…wondering what the hell you are doing…. asleep… cause it is uninterested in the mundane….wake that child up….and take it on an adventure  ! Children get it… they see the Magick in life….the mysteries  that are waiting to be discovered. …

That quote that says ‘ Sometimes you just need to sit down and talk with a two year old to put things into perspective ‘ …..I believe  that is absolutely correct  ! …the child hasn’t forgotten you…. you’ve forgotten the child.

Alan Watts in his lecture says….

” Like children who dare each other on things, how far out could you get ? What could you take ? What dimension of being lost of abandonment of your power…what dimension of that could you stand ? You could ask yourself this because you know you would eventually wake up, then you would get more and more adventurous.  Finally you would dream where you are now, you would dream the dream of living the life that you are actually living today, that would be within the infinite multiplicity of choices you would have, so this idea then, everybody is fundamentally the ultimate reality,  not God in a politically kingly sense but God in the sense of being the self, that deep down basic , whatever there is….and you’re all that, only you’re pretending you’re not. ”

Inception: The time at which something begins.

Begin…… it’s your dream

You, yourself, are the eternal energy which appears as this Universe. You didn’t come into this world; you came out of it. Like a wave from the ocean.

Read more at: http://www.azquotes.com/quote/595023
Dream

What are we but a blink of a moment in time

This week’s Discover Challenge, inspired by Ann Cavitt Fisher’s “The Train,” asks you to focus on a chance encounter.

via Chance Encounter — The Daily Post

” What are we but a blink of a moment in time…How lucky we are to be here… How lucky we are to have met.  ” ~ Him ♡

This article touched on a string in my heart.  Are there such things as “chance encounters”,   or are they accumulations of frequencies,  vibrations , being matched …. serendipitous moments possibly …. that only the ones who stop to pay attention are lucky enough to notice … a chance encounter. .. what an auspicious occasion to come across  HIM …. with all the people we come in contact with everyday….and simply don’t pay no mind to… Out of the vastness of the universe,  him and I  noticed eachother… as if we were standing still and everyone around us still moving about vigorously. … we noticed eachother… like a candle in the dark… there he was … standing out…taking my sight … all I could see was him.

Since meeting him, I find myself smiling for no reason …. feeling giddy inside… and daydreaming of him. I can honestly say. .. that as old as I am…. and everything I’ve been through…. all the people I’ve met… all the people I’ve been with or wanted to be with…. I have  n e v e r  experienced anything like this…. this… is the rabbit hole I’ve longed to find… to fall down and discover the beauty that lies beneath. … I am falling…. my stomach , the feeling of falling…. sick with butterflies … my breath taken from me… I literally cover my mouth and laugh to myself and then think, what the hell is happening to me ….

He is so incredibly beautiful. .. not just the outside. .. which of course, he’s absolutely breathtaking. .. but even more so, what I am finding on the inside of him…. an almost matching child like curiosity as me… a knowing I can’t explain but greatly intriguing. .. a other worldliness about him that pulls at my spirit and attracts like a moth to a flame….  also a bit of darkness… sadness… that I just want to gently take into my  hands … study this molecule of his heart…. hold it in my hands …transmute into the most beautiful, bright molecule that has transpired since our meeting …plant in my garden… nuture.. water with my love ….and show him the incredible magickal beauty that is him…. don’t misunderstand me… I’m not talking about trying to fix him…. he’s not broken…. I want to show him the beautiful light that he is, that illuminates this heart of mine… like a mirror. … I want to reflect back to him the love that he is…

He has awakened something inside of me I can’t quite explain. … it has taken over me… it has changed me…  these emotions have engulfed me…. it has lit a fire within me to pursue this beauty in front of me …  that I have to go after…. I can not let him pass me by … everything inside me is screaming to pay attention to what has been brought to me … or that I have been blessed to have cross my path in this life ….  I ache to see his face in person… to touch his skin… to look him in the eye and smile… to hear his laugh….

A chance encounter …. serendipity

Or something so much bigger than that ? My spirit gives me the feeling that I’m on to something and I can not ignore it …. and I don’t want to…

“Do you think the universe fights for souls to be together?
Some things are too strange and strong to be coincidences.”
Emery Allen

 

Chance Encounter