Journal entry July 27, 2014
‘ Just realizing that I’ve been “dead” since I was four. No wonder I’ve been moving from one situation to the next like a ghost. And my murderers name is Earl….. E.A.R.L……. Earl. He cut me up and scattered me all over the place. I’m 35 now, and all these years, all of me, all my pieces have silently been haunting me….. like a ghost or poltergeist screaming to get my attention – and I’ve been oblivious to the signs- unaware of the presence that surrounds me. And now, for some miraculous reason I’m awake….eyes wide open….soul exposed, and am able to feel and hear my own screams. Like a ghost that just realized she died tragically and has been haunting…been a poltergeist for almost 30 years. The reality of that stirs up so many emotions …. immense sadness…. anger, being one of the biggest. BUT….. These are my lovely bones….. and I will honor them….
So slowly but surely I am starting to pick up my “pieces”, and put me back together. Only then will that four year old little girl, be able to rest in peace. … and set this woman free…’
I’ve been walking around nearly my whole life so disconnected. Trying to fill in all the holes that were pierced in my soul. Not knowing for so long that I was only making those holes larger, by trying to shove things in them, that were never meant to fit….. drugs, alcohol, sex, reckless behavior. ..anything to numb…numb to a pain I couldn’t possibly understand the depths of….but something must have….because I did everything I could to keep that pain from coming to the surface. … as if knowing if it did, it would rip me wide open…..and there would be no coming back from that.
I spent so many years feeling unwanted, discarded. .. I just wanted a place to feel comfortable in my own skin… never feeling pretty enough, smart enough, lovable enough, capable enough. I put myself in so many dangerous situations, and let so many abuse me in so many different ways…sexually, physically, emotionally, spiritually. … again, not knowing or understanding. … I just wanted love… anyway I could get it… I just didn’t want to be alone… I was terrified of being alone with myself…. I still am in a way… .
The depths of this pain…this darkness that consumes me…. no biblical hell could hold a candle….
So this whole time I’ve been drifting. ..ignoring myself. ..ignoring my soul…. until the night my spirit took over… and said ” Enough is Enough ! “, and brought me to my knees….
Let me try and give you a brief idea of what I have been through, to give you an idea of why this “Dark night of the soul ” or awakening had happened to me. ….
Leading up to that night… was many years of pushing through… I had been through so many tragedies , in only a few years time… I was raped at 13 by two boys I thought were my friends…( not to mention the molestation that had happened to me at four years old and lasted until I was six ) again more holes being ripped into my soul… followed by years of drugs and sleeping around to numb this pain that I was too afraid to face… I wanted anything that was going to make me feel alive, make me feel something… if only for a moment. … at 18 I ended up in an extremely dangerous situation where my life was threatened with a gun and I had to run for my life. After that I had moved far away and tried to start over… I ended up getting pregnant at 19 and was scared shitless ! Because that was the first time I actually had to be responsible for someone other than myself… leading up to that, I was so selfish, heartless, did what ever I could for myself no matter who I had to hurt or manipulate… whatever I had to do to survive. ..that’s how I had lived my whole life up until that point… I didnt know any other way…so when I got pregnant , even though I was scared shitless, I thought I was with the person I thought I would be with forever… Never had I imagined the depths of hell I would walk with him. Life just pushed on and so did I.
A few years and two kids later, my husband at the time had taken off with my two kids after we split up and it took me a year to find them…I mourned their absence as if they had died. After my ex had put me through what he did by taking off with my kids… he persuaded me to get back with him, and I did… Why ? Well looking back, I can only say I was afraid, afraid I wouldn’t see my kids again… I was at my lowest point and had even considered suicide. .. because I couldn’t live without my children… and if getting back with him meant I got them back too, then at that time I really didn’t think there was any other way. Things were not great between him and I , but I tried to get my life back with my family… I went back to college and I suffered the loss of a child by miscarriage the following year , three family members died that same year, a dear friend of mine had been murdered, I just kept pushing forward… I thought I’d cried, I thought I mourned. .. I was working myself to the bone, taking care of everyone but myself… at that time, I weighed 108 pounds and looked like death. One would begin to wonder not if i was gonna break, but when…. but no one ever stepped in and asked ” Are you ok ? ” Maybe if someone had, my decent wouldnt have been so painful. ….suppose THAT night , it was my ” Dark night of the soul ” my awakening. …. months before that night my body was giving me clues to what was coming… but I never payed attention. .. I was feeling sick, tired, then I started feeling like I was going to pass out, quite frequently. .. so I went to the doctors…. waiting in the doctors office, waiting to be called back is when it happened…. Out of no where I started feeling like I couldn’t breathe, then I started to blackout, my heart was racing out of my chest… I thought I was having a heart attack… I thought I was dying… I screamed out ” Someone help me ! ” The doctors and nurses came running and rushed me in the back…ripped open my shirt, hooked me up to all these machines. ..everything happened so fast… I was freaking the fuck out… I thought I was dying… all I could think about was my kids… I kept saying ” Don’t let anything happen to me, please…my kids need me ! ”
That was the night my life changed forever. I wasn’t dying… I’d had a panic attack. … the first of many many more to come… I was diagnosed with panic disorder. ..which eventually lead up to me having agoraphobia as well….. this lead me into a downward spiral for many years. …. I couldn’t possibly use enough words to describe the darkness, the aloneness, the most frightening feeling it is to feel like you are not in control of your brain ….through all the doctor visits and psychologist visits and ER visits , medications ive taken and panic attacks I’ve endured..each time feeling like I’m dying …. I was about to give up… I couldn’t think how I could continue to live like this… you see before and in between all these tragidies lies a girl with more spirit, more fight, more strength, more lust for life than anyone you’d ever meet… I’ve climbed mountains, rock repelled, flown an airplane, skied one of the tallest mountains in California, white water raffed, modeled, acted, traveled across country many times alone. ..being the gypsy that I am… wild and free…. Even though I have known so much darkness. .. I’ve Also known light…. I was so adventerous… and fearless… and this… this disorder… had changed me into the opposite of who I am. The only and final thought that came to me at one of my darkest hours lying on a bathroom floor crying, was, I have to go back to me… to my truth… and that truth, what I thought at the time was being a witch…. but along the way I’ve found so much more than that…. it is in going back to my roots…. going back to the earth, my core , that I began to cut away all the vines that were wrapped around my spirit that had held me bondage for so many years… I started reading Carl Jung books and audio tapes …everything started to make so much sense. .. I needed to face my shadows… so I started getting into shadow work …. each time coming out with a little more understanding. ..and sometimes it would take me weeks to go back and try it again because it would bring up so many emotions and pain…and I had to let myself be with those emotions….I had to truly let myself feel….. and in doing that, I found my strength. .. my inner wisdom. .. my inner voice… that little girl that I once was and she has shown me the warrior goddess that I truly am. I can’t say that I am completely healed, but I can say that I’ve found my inner child…and she is now leading me out of the darkness….where she has been waiting to show me the meaning of my strength. .. I may not be healed but I can say that I now hold her hand and am letting her lead the way.
Just a small note before I finish… I just want everyone to know if someone suffers from a mental illness, it does not make them weak… it takes one hell of a person to sit with your shadows, your demons everyday…. and to those of you fighting a mental illness, don’t ever give up… you are stronger than you know…. look inside yourself and you will see.
All my love ~ April ♥
Here is a video of Carl Jung speaking of The Shadow…. understanding his philosophy has greatly improved my understanding of why I feel the way I do and or have felt in the past…..
Just to give a very miniscule look into my hell, is a video I found…. I don’t think anyone could ever understand the frightening hell one lives with everyday when you’re personally dealing with this disorder. ….
Here is another video I found that made me bawl my eyes out…. what she says is so true…. what goes on in your mind…what you think people think of you… everything. ..
In a video I watched on a lecture done by Alan Watts called ‘ The Mind ‘ I heard these words and cried….
” And enormous amount of people devote their lives to keeping their minds busy. And feel extremely uncomfortable with silence. When you’re alone, no one is saying anything, there’s nothing to do. There’s this….. worry, this lack of distraction. …. I’m left alone with myself. …. and I want to get away from myself, if I’m always wanting to get away from myself – that’s why I go after girls or anything that you do….or get drunk or whatever. … I don’t want to be with myself. .. I feel queer. .. So ? Why do you want to run away from yourself ? What’s so bad about it ? Why do you want to forget this ? Why do you want to become unseen ? Because you are addicted to thoughts. This is a drug. A real dangerous one, compulsive thinking….on and on and on…. it’s a habit. So there’s a difficulty in stopping, that activity. And you really have to if you want to be sane. ”