Hungry heart…fearful tongue

Why do I hold my tongue. …. I’ve jumped….I’m falling… what if he’s not there to catch me….why am i holding back…… I fear I’m too much…. he’s pierced past my facade. ..now that he’s entered the unknown of me….I’m terrified. …what if he doesn’t like what he finds….what if I’m not good enough….hell, I don’t even know what lurks inside….. it’s like a gateway has been opened….and part of me that hasn’t seen the light of day since  childhood, is coming out….fearful…unfamiliar. …disoriented  and frightened. …not of him….but of this unknown….unknown part of me….that no one has ever touched. And somehow, he has.

I feel like Im getting better…..but what if my illness comes back. ….will he be there….will he care enough to stay…. will he hold me when I’m afraid… I’m scared I can’t and he won’t understand. ..or even want to wait around…or that he won’t even want to deal with my illness, my past, my fears….me….no one ever has. I feel like I have a hurricane going on…and through all of it, all I can see is him…. if I walk out into the storm, will he keep me safe…protect me…save me….or even  have the courage to meet me in the storm ….I feel like I have no faith in someone caring enough…. my heart has never felt such rawness…. I want to know my heart is safe …I’m safe…. is he man enough to dive into my rapids when they are raging….. and pick me up and calm me….and give me a safe place to fall…..I am open…. my heart is pouring out….and my mind is spinning….all the what ifs , that I fear I cannot speak…..are consuming. … I’ve been strong for so long…. I’m getting tired…. is he that man, that can stand firm….take control. …and bring calmness and a healing power to this mind of mine….. and hold gently this weathered heart ….

 

I AM

ravaged,  but spirited

damaged, but still deserving

~Segovia Amil

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What the fuck am I so afraid of ?

I step out to get a glimpse of the sun and breathe in the fresh air….then I realize, I’m by myself….and I start to panic….alone…. Is that it ? 

I’ve analyzed this internal dialog a thousand times….replaying old scenarios and old memories in my mind….but I’m lying to myself….why can’t I even tell the truth to myself ?  For fuck sake….what the fuck am I so afraid of ? I skew the memories…and tell myself the story I want to hear. 

What will I really be or look like if I actually write it all out….the whole fucking truth….on paper. …what will I see….my weaknesses,  my strength,  my selfishness, my cruelty,  my ignorance, my impulsiveness,  my sadness, my fears…..every ugly little thing about me that I don’t want to face ….that’s so stupid….especially after all the fucking shit I’ve been through. The last person I would think of to not be there, understand,  or have my back or support me…..is me. How fucked up is that….why do I deny myself healing and truth and self love….

My mind constantly plays on a loop…..I want to let go off the past but the past doesn’t want to let go of me….. it’s like a leach to my soul… I wanna reach in, grab that fucker and rip him off me…..then I realize I’m covered in them… like a frenzy I want to scream, scratch and rip them off…..now what…. I’m left standing here bleeding. ..weary and weak…..now  the scent of my blood makes me bait for the vultures. …. this is my internal hell….

Pale Death

Each day death crawls into my body:

Cutting through, with talon and tooth

Falling from above, with scythe and shroud

Reaching for me, tying me to dreams

Luring me…. who can deny such angel

~ Segovia Amil