I step out to get a glimpse of the sun and breathe in the fresh air….then I realize, I’m by myself….and I start to panic….alone…. Is that it ?
I’ve analyzed this internal dialog a thousand times….replaying old scenarios and old memories in my mind….but I’m lying to myself….why can’t I even tell the truth to myself ? For fuck sake….what the fuck am I so afraid of ? I skew the memories…and tell myself the story I want to hear.
What will I really be or look like if I actually write it all out….the whole fucking truth….on paper. …what will I see….my weaknesses, my strength, my selfishness, my cruelty, my ignorance, my impulsiveness, my sadness, my fears…..every ugly little thing about me that I don’t want to face ….that’s so stupid….especially after all the fucking shit I’ve been through. The last person I would think of to not be there, understand, or have my back or support me…..is me. How fucked up is that….why do I deny myself healing and truth and self love….
My mind constantly plays on a loop…..I want to let go off the past but the past doesn’t want to let go of me….. it’s like a leach to my soul… I wanna reach in, grab that fucker and rip him off me…..then I realize I’m covered in them… like a frenzy I want to scream, scratch and rip them off…..now what…. I’m left standing here bleeding. ..weary and weak…..now the scent of my blood makes me bait for the vultures. …. this is my internal hell….
Each day death crawls into my body:
Cutting through, with talon and tooth
Falling from above, with scythe and shroud
Reaching for me, tying me to dreams
Luring me…. who can deny such angel
~ Segovia Amil