The Killing Seed… an open letter to a predator

You preyed  on my beautiful innocence.  So pure… I was different from the rest… you singled me out… made me trust you. Exposed me to things I couldn’t possibly understand. … so confused… you layed your hands upon me… right there, you should’ve known “WHO” you were touching…..but you didnt… how could you ?  You’re slime…. the lowest vibrational creature to crawl this earth. …You were touching a God-dammed angel …. a healer… a seer… a mystic … a shamaness … a Priestess . 

I was put here for a reason.

The killing seed you planted has destroyed everything it’s come in contact with. … everything I thought I could’ve been… my mission ? … my purpose ? … you detoured me from my light and brought me to your darkness. Once you disrupted my soil and planted your killing seed, you stole my ability to see…. but opened my eyes to perversion,  lust, filth. I didn’t understand. .. I was lost and scared…. you made me feel things I didn’t understand. ..embarrassment,  shame,  filthiness . You cast your shadow onto my light… the shadow has never left me… attached to me… dragged around all these years.. it’s become heavy… it’s roots have wrapped around me, and at times made me unable to move … they’ve rotted me from the inside… unable to get to the light.

Just a child without a voice.  Too scared to say stop…. the killing seed you’ve planted…. for years it grew inside me…. like a venomous vine… intertwining itself to my mind…. breeding and blooming it’s carnivorous flowers…. devouring my innocence. .. and making me hunger for filth…desire…darkness… a thirst… a thirst for greed, lust, acceptance,  validation. .. a thirst for a place in the darkness… my thirst… insatiable.  Feeling lost in a world I once felt safe…. unable to trust anyone… drifting…dead inside…moving from situation to the next like a ghost…. your darkness manipulated my mind…. you took away any chance I had at feeling what is was to be loved…. to love …. just an empty vessel…. filled with demons. I blame you for inviting them in…. it was you who pierced holes in my soul and let them in… but one thing you never realized you dumb son of a bitch …. is , I’ve gained strength from these demons… I’ve walked the depths of hell with them by my side… teaching me my strength. …embracing my shadows….. ooh the enlightenment they’ve shown me…. The darkness…

I have taken my power back that I thought was stolen from me….all these years I’ve been mistaken, that such an imbecile would be able to hold such power… my power. I stand here today…in all my strength and inner power….and have come to realize. … one day, we will meet again…whether on this plane or the next. … and you will cower before me… you weak fucking insect. You see… this killing seed you’ve planted , has become the very thing that will swallow you whole.










Long hard road out of hell

The greatest darkness is the shadow ,  the shadow you fail to recognize  – yet it never leaves you….  my greatest enemy – myself. ….. no one but myself can inflict such harm upon myself as I have . My greatest hell – my mind….. an endless vastness of a knowing…. a knowing that beckons me to listen…. listen to the chaos within myself…. beckons me to call forth my shadow, that no longer wishes to be silent…. as if Pandora herself is screaming for me to “Open the box ” ….. release….. all the shadows, all the horror, all the pain…. this ” lid ”  , my mind, can no longer contain….. broken wide open…. I scream – I cry – I cower into the corners of my most darkest secrets,  holding onto them as if they are the lasts breaths of me…. why ?

For years I’ve let my shadow claim me… locked away – suffering. … it is I, who needs to claim my shadow… I , who needs to face it… it is a part of me I can no longer deny. 

I call you forth, my shadow …. help me to unlock my Lemarchand box, my Lament Configuration  – it’s tune I am familiar. … I’m ready to see all the ” sites ” you have to show me. Bring me to the dimensions within myself, that will show me my truth….. raise me to the planes of existence that I have forgotten  – I hold the key. 

“everybody has a light and a dark side, and neither can exist without the other.”
Marilyn Manson, The Long Hard Road Out of Hell

Good and evil exists within us. Carl Jung looked at the subject of good vs evil in a very different light. According to him, one cannot deny the existence of the dark side in oneself. We all are susceptible to negative emotions, consciously or unconsciously, that is why chemistry recognizes so many negative hormones within a human body. Jung named this particular existing “dark side” in humans – Shadow. A shadow is “sum of all personal and collective psychic elements which, because of their incompatibility with the chosen conscious attitude, are denied expression in life.” Jung wrote, “Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”

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Kundalini Energy

Kundalini is an energy that exists in everyone’s body, usually in a dormant state. This means that most people never feel it and never know it is there. But in a very few people, perhaps one in one thousand, this energy becomes aroused, activated. This can be a happy event or it can be scary and disruptive, depending on whether you aroused your kundalini on purpose or by accident.


The Sanskrit word, kundalini, means coiled, like a snake. Kundalini energy is not recognized by medical science, and is often little understood even among teachers of Yoga and meditative traditions. It is, however, mentioned extensively in the literature of Yoga and Tantra (both Buddhist and Hindu).

Because the word “kundalini” has become widely used, many people, I believe, consider it to be metaphoric or legendary. This statement by Yogi Bhajan, for example, suggests a somewhat metaphoric view of kundalini: “(Kundalini is) the creative potential in the man.” (Kundalini, Evolution and Enlightenment, edited by John White, Paragon House, 1990, p. 25) Yet those like me, who have aroused their kundalini, cannot possibly consider it to be a metaphor. It is quite literal.

Here is the story of kundalini as found in the Hatha Yoga literature , and as I have experienced it: Kundalini can be “awakened” or “aroused” from its “slumber” at the base of your spine by intense meditation or intense breath control practices. Hatha Yoga and Tantra Yoga, in their traditional forms, are designed to arouse kundalini so that the practitioner can use the tremendous energy thus released to increase the potency of his or her meditation and other spiritual practices. The Yoga literature cautions the Yoga practitioner, however, that he or she must undergo extensive preparations before attempting to arouse his or her kundalini. Otherwise it can cause trouble.

The yogi or yogini who successfully and safely arouses their kundalini gains a great ally on their spiritual journey. That ally is an energy, a vitality, that smooths the path, that makes the steep slopes easier to climb, and that acts like a sword to cut through inertia and conditioning. In short, Kundalini can change you quickly. It can advance your spiritual aspirations. Moreover, according to authors of some of the Tantras (ancient writings), aroused kundalini energy is essential to a yogin (practitioner of yoga, male or female) attaining complete liberation in this modern distracted age (called Kali Yuga).

I disagree, preferring the metaphor of many paths ascending to the top of that mountain. Yet comprehensive Yoga that incorporates Kundalini arousal certainly offers a well-charted and well-worn path for the serious seeker.

What happens when your Kundalini is awakened?


You’re likely to perceive a partial kundalini awakening as a feeling of intense (even electrical) energy originating from your legs and expanding higher into the body, with particular awareness being placed on the main 7 chakras.

If you ask this I will assume you have some experience with meditation, and a similar principle applies – your awareness and relaxation will ‘scale up’ the experience, while your mind and tension will ‘scale down’ the experience.’

Keep awareness of the fact that a true kundalini awakening is incredibly intense. You can liken it to liquid fire or ice flowing up through your spine and you will have to exert a great amount of willpower to maintain awareness and relaxation.

What I call a ‘partial’ awakening is one where you feel the energy, your chakras become activated, but you still possess ego, your mind is not peaceful, and your perception of the energy still maintains a degree of separation.

A true kundalini awakening will be the most intense experience you ever live. All the sensations derived from the functionality of your energy body functions will be the most intense you have ever perceived them, and you will be surprised that you can feel so much arousal, desire, will, love and unity without an external object – for yourself, by yourself.

It far bypasses normal ‘chakra activations’. Your entire being becomes competely overcome – fighting it is a bad idea – acceptance is the key.

Signs of a Kundalini Rising

Individual experiences of Kundalini process vary considerably, but the basic signs of a Kundalini rising that a person might experience include:
– feeling different, not fitting in
– a deep dissatisfaction or a yearning for inner development
– inner sensations of light, sound, current, or heat
– a heightened inner or outer awareness; increased sensitivity
– feelings of energy flowing or vibrating within
– special abilities, capacities, and talents
– non-ordinary phenomena; altered states
– spontaneous bodily movements or breathing patterns
– emotional fluctuations; psychological issues coming forward
– atypical sensations or sensitivities
– an interest in spiritual growth or in metaphysics or the esoteric
– compassion and a desire to help others
– a sense that something non-ordinary, transformative, or holy is happening within
– personal development, and optimally, spiritual transformation and realization

Awaken Your Kundalini

( This is just one easy way to awaken the kundalini,  there are many methods. Always choose one that suits you best )


Many people want to know how to awaken the Kundalini. And as there are techniques for Kundalini Awakening, most of the techniques are kept secret by masters until the student is ready to receive them.

Here is a very powerful technique for Kundalini Awakening based on a Kriya Yoga technique. This technique will not only awaken the Kundalini energy, moving you towards spiritual enlightenment, it also can improve your health and remove all stress and unhappiness in your life.

This Kriya Technique for Kundalini Awakening is probably one of the easiest ways to enter a blissful state of meditation. It is what would be termed a “purifying technique” as it will purify the energy channels of your body allowing more energy or Shakti to move through.

I will explain the technique in three parts:

The first part of this technique for kundalini awakening is to focus your breath starting at the base of your spine all the way up your spine and out of the top of your head. Do this for the inhale. As you inhale move your focus from the base of your spine, up the spine and out of the top of your head as though your are “breathing up” the energy.

You do not need to imagine anything. This is not about imagination but focus. Focus your breath to move up the spine and out the top of your head.

And the focus should be relaxed. You are not to force anything. You are simply gently suggesting the energy to move in this direction. So do focus the energy up but allow the kundalini energy to move on it’s own without force.

It may seem quite strange to focus your breath where your breath does not go but it is very effective. Breath is energy, “prana.” And simply by focusing the breath in a certain area, the energy moves to that area.

After practicing this for a while, you will start to feel the energy rising. The sensations will be subtle at first but over time can become very blissful. It can almost feel like an orgasm, a rush of bliss moving up your spine.

The second part of this technique for kundalini awakening is it to move the breath down your front as you exhale.

As you exhale, move the breath from the top of your head to the third eye, (located between your eyebrows) then to your throat and then to your heart chakra, located at the center of your chest.

Stop the breath at the center of your chest. And then again, inhale from the base of your spine, repeating the process above.

The third part of this technique for kundalini awakening is to awaken the energy. Because an enlightened teacher would not give this technique without initiating you into this technique. This calls for the teacher to give you shaktipat, to actually awaken your kundalini by touch, chanting or simply by focusing their energy on you.

So to awaken this energy yourself, there is an easy technique but a very important one. And that is to silently repeat the name of an enlightened teacher, Guru or Saint that you feel connected to whether you have met them or not. If you are of a particular religion, you can repeat the name of a saint of that religion. Otherwise, choose an enlightened teacher who you admire.

You can repeat the name as you inhale, and repeat the name as you exhale. The reason for this is that you take on the Shakti (energy) of what you focus on. So simply by repeating the name of an enlightened Guru or Saint, you take on their energy, their state of bliss. This technique is thousands of years old and is still used today because it is so effective.

If this step makes you uncomfortable, you can repeat “peace” instead.

Really, you are awakening that which is in you, not something from the outside. But enlightened teachers are the outward manifestation of what is inside you. A Saint or Guru have awakened what you wish also to awaken. So by focusing on their name, you awaken that energy in you. It has nothing to do with them as a personality or body but the energy that naturally radiates from them.


What Happens in Our Life After Kundalini Awakening?

The person with higher spiritual energy could analyze and compare the changes in his life with the spiritual and psychological development of a normal person.


Changes in Emotional Level

A sense of tranquility will be developed and the person is not much affected by the sorrows that are inevitable in human life as the aspirant will comprehend the life from the outer sphere.

Becomes More Productive

A person who is subjected to the various stages of development of kundalini can experience the increased awareness, enhanced mental clarity increased creative imagination, possess the attribute of infinite intelligence and extrasensory perception (ESP). This makes him develop certain skills easily as compared with others.

Worldly Attitudes

One will become neither theist nor atheist and will have an intellectual agnostic approach towards the life. The person will be in the path of acquiring the true wisdom.

“The best service to the world is one’s own enlightenment” Sri Ramana Maharishi.

The journey back to myself

Journal entry July 27, 2014 

‘ Just realizing that I’ve been “dead” since I was four.  No wonder I’ve been moving from one situation to the next like a ghost. And my murderers name is Earl….. E.A.R.L……. Earl. He cut me up and scattered me all over the place. I’m 35 now, and all these years, all of me, all my pieces have silently been haunting me….. like a ghost or poltergeist screaming to get my attention – and I’ve been oblivious to the signs- unaware of the presence that surrounds me. And now, for some miraculous reason I’m awake….eyes wide open….soul exposed, and am able to feel and hear my own screams. Like a ghost that just realized she died tragically and has been haunting…been a poltergeist for almost 30 years. The reality of that stirs up so many emotions …. immense sadness…. anger, being one of the biggest. BUT….. These are my lovely bones….. and I will honor them….

So slowly but surely I am starting to pick up my “pieces”, and put me back together.  Only then will that four year old little girl, be able to rest in peace. … and set this woman free…’


I’ve been walking around nearly my whole life so disconnected.  Trying to fill in all the holes that were pierced in my soul. Not knowing for so long that I was only making those holes larger, by trying to shove things in them,  that were never meant to fit….. drugs, alcohol,  sex, reckless behavior. ..anything to numb…numb to a pain I couldn’t possibly understand the depths of….but something must have….because I did everything I could to keep that pain from coming to the surface. … as if knowing if it did, it would rip me wide open…..and there would be no coming back from that.

I spent so many years feeling unwanted, discarded. .. I just wanted a place to feel comfortable in my own skin… never feeling pretty enough, smart enough, lovable enough, capable enough.  I put myself in so many dangerous situations, and let so many abuse me in so many different ways…sexually,  physically,  emotionally, spiritually. … again, not knowing or understanding. … I just wanted love… anyway I could get it… I just didn’t want to be alone… I was terrified of being alone with myself…. I still am in a way… .

The depths of this pain…this darkness that consumes me…. no biblical hell could hold a candle….

So this whole time I’ve been drifting. ..ignoring myself. ..ignoring my soul…. until the night my spirit took over… and said ” Enough is Enough ! “, and brought me to my knees….

Let me try and give you a brief idea of what I have been through, to give you an idea of why this “Dark night of the soul ” or awakening had happened to me. ….

Leading up to that night… was many years of pushing through… I had been through so many tragedies , in only a few years time… I was raped at 13 by two boys I thought were my friends…( not to mention the molestation that had happened to me at four years old and lasted until I was six ) again more holes being ripped into my soul…  followed by years of drugs and sleeping around to numb this pain that I was too afraid to face… I wanted anything that was going to make me feel alive, make me feel something… if only for a moment. … at 18 I ended up in an extremely dangerous situation where my life was threatened with a gun and I had to run for my life. After that I had moved far away and tried to start over… I ended up getting pregnant at 19 and was scared shitless ! Because that was the first time I actually had to be responsible for someone other than myself… leading up to that, I was so selfish, heartless, did what ever I could for myself no matter who I had to hurt or manipulate… whatever I had to do to survive. ..that’s how I had lived my whole life up until that point… I didnt know any other way…so when I got pregnant , even though I was scared shitless, I thought I  was with the person I thought I would be with forever… Never had I imagined the depths of hell I would walk with him. Life just pushed on and so did I.

A few years and two kids later, my husband at the time had taken off with my two kids after we split up and it took me a year to find them…I mourned their absence as if they had died. After my ex had put me through what he did by taking off with my kids… he persuaded me to get back with him, and I did… Why ? Well looking back, I can only say I was afraid, afraid I wouldn’t see my kids again… I was at my lowest point and had even considered suicide. .. because I couldn’t live without my children… and if getting back with him meant I got them back too, then at that time I really didn’t think there was any other way. Things were not great between him and I , but I tried to get my life back with my family… I went back to college and I suffered the loss of a child by miscarriage the following year , three family members died that same year, a dear friend of mine had been murdered,  I just kept pushing forward… I thought I’d cried, I thought I mourned. .. I was working myself to the bone, taking care of everyone but myself… at that time, I weighed 108 pounds and looked like death.  One would begin to wonder not if i was gonna break, but when…. but no one ever stepped in and asked ” Are you ok ? ” Maybe if someone had, my decent wouldnt have been so painful. ….suppose THAT night , it was my ” Dark night of the soul ” my awakening. …. months before that night my body was giving me clues to what was coming… but I never payed attention. .. I was feeling sick, tired, then I started feeling like I was going to pass out, quite frequently. .. so I went to the doctors…. waiting in the doctors office, waiting to be called back is when it happened…. Out of no where I started feeling like I couldn’t breathe,  then I started to blackout, my heart was racing out of my chest… I thought I was having a heart attack… I thought I was dying… I screamed out ” Someone help me ! ” The doctors and nurses came running and rushed me in the back…ripped open my shirt, hooked me up to all these machines. ..everything happened so fast… I was freaking the fuck out… I thought I was dying… all I could think about was my kids… I kept saying ” Don’t let anything happen to me, please…my kids need me ! ”

That was the night my life changed forever. I wasn’t dying… I’d  had a panic attack. … the first of many many more to come… I was diagnosed with panic disorder. ..which eventually lead up to me having agoraphobia as well….. this lead me into a downward spiral for many years. …. I couldn’t possibly use enough words to describe the darkness, the aloneness,  the most frightening feeling it is to feel like you are not in control of your brain ….through all the doctor visits and psychologist visits and ER visits , medications ive taken and panic attacks I’ve endured..each time feeling  like I’m dying …. I was about to give up… I couldn’t think how I could continue to live like this… you see before and in between all these tragidies lies a girl with more spirit, more fight, more strength,  more lust for life than anyone you’d ever meet… I’ve climbed mountains,  rock repelled, flown an airplane,  skied one of the tallest mountains in California,  white water raffed, modeled, acted, traveled across country many times alone. ..being the gypsy that I am… wild and free…. Even though I have known so much darkness. .. I’ve Also known light…. I was so adventerous… and fearless… and this… this disorder… had changed me into the opposite of who I am. The only and final thought that came to me at one of my darkest hours lying on a bathroom floor crying, was, I have to go back to me… to my truth… and that truth, what I thought at the time was being a witch…. but along the way I’ve found so much more than that…. it is in going back to my roots…. going back to the earth, my core , that I began to cut away all the vines that were wrapped around my  spirit that had held me bondage for so many years…  I started reading Carl Jung books and audio tapes …everything started to make so much sense. .. I needed to face my shadows… so I started getting  into shadow work …. each time coming out with a little more understanding. ..and sometimes it would take me weeks to go back and try it again because it would bring up so many emotions and pain…and I had to let myself be with those emotions….I had to truly let myself feel….. and in doing that,   I found my strength. .. my inner wisdom. .. my inner voice… that little girl that I once was and she has shown me the warrior goddess that I truly am. I can’t say that I am completely healed,  but I can say that I’ve found my inner child…and she is now leading me out of the darkness….where she has been waiting to show me the meaning of my strength. .. I may not be healed but I can say that I now hold her hand and am letting her lead the way.

Just a small note before I finish… I just want everyone to know if someone suffers from a mental illness, it does not make them weak… it takes one hell of a person to sit with your shadows, your demons everyday…. and to those of you fighting a mental illness, don’t ever give up… you are stronger than you know…. look inside yourself and you will see.

All my love ~ April ♥

Here is a video of Carl Jung speaking of The Shadow…. understanding his philosophy has greatly improved my understanding of why I feel the way I do and or have felt in the past….. 054fdb168075683bd4f6a92419268350

Just to give a very miniscule look into my hell, is a video I found…. I don’t think anyone could ever understand the frightening hell one lives with everyday when you’re personally  dealing with this disorder. ….

Here is another video I found that made me bawl my eyes out…. what she says is so true…. what goes on in your mind…what you think people think of you… everything. ..

In a video I watched on a lecture done by Alan Watts called ‘ The Mind ‘ I heard these words and cried….

” And enormous amount of people devote their lives to keeping their minds busy. And feel extremely uncomfortable with silence. When you’re alone, no one is saying anything,  there’s nothing to do. There’s this….. worry, this lack of distraction. …. I’m left alone with myself. …. and I want to get away from myself,  if I’m always wanting to get away from myself – that’s why I go after girls or anything that you do….or get drunk or whatever. … I don’t want to be with myself. .. I feel queer. .. So ? Why do you want to run away from yourself ? What’s so bad about it ? Why do you want to forget this ? Why do you want to become unseen ? Because you are addicted to thoughts. This is a drug. A real dangerous one, compulsive thinking….on and on and on…. it’s a habit. So there’s a difficulty in stopping,  that activity.  And you really have to if you want to be sane. ”


Let yourself be enchanted


“We wait, starving for moments of high magic to inspire us, but life is full of common enchantment waiting for our alchemists eyes to notice.”
― Jacob Nordby

Let yourself be enchanted.  Let yourself be carried away. There are so many magickal things and experiences in this life, if you just let yourself for a moment,  be open. Open to the possibility that there is something out there , that can for a moment , take you by surprise,  and take your breath away.  It is such a beautiful feeling to be taken by surprise.  I am 36 years old, and I still get taken away by what I like to call, “the sychronicties” that take place in my life. And the reason I call them ” the sychronicties ” , is because I am constantly in a state of wonder, love, and optimistic view of life. And in return, the universe responds to my heart and my thoughts I am constantly putting out there, and when you put something out there with your whole heart, I believe magick happens. I still believe in after all the storms I’ve endured that anything is possible.  I am not afraid to let the Magick happen…. I welcome it in fact… I continously long to fall down that rabbit hole …and discover what lies beneath.  And ooooh the things, people, places and experiences I’ve stumbled across….every one of them, worth it. Even if they lasted only a moment, I can still look back and be grateful for the beauty it brought to my life.

In an article I read in The Edge, I came across an author by the name of Thomas Moore. And it got me thinking…. why are so many people blind to the beauty around them…they miss it everyday because they are so busy chasing their tails in circles,  for what ?  Stop !!! Open your eyes !! For life is ever fleeting….wouldn’t you rather experience the magick before it’s gone ?

“Somewhere along the way to three cars in every garage, American society lost or misplaced something important: its enchantment with life and the world. Such a loss threatens an even greater loss-that of the soul.”

In his first two bestsellers, Care of the Soul and Soul Mates, author Thomas Moore dished out a large dose of preventative medicine for the preservation of our individual and collective souls. Moore’s latest book, The Re-Enchantment of Everyday Life (Harper Collins, 1996), leads the tentatively restored soul along the magical path of a charming, gently revisioned everyday reality.

His book asks us to view the events and circumstances of our lives with new eyes, so that our souls can dance with nature, home, art, literature, cooking, politics, and the sacred in an enchanted, passionate, wonder-filled way. In this way, we can once again experience our profound connection with the fundamental mystery of existence.

To further read the article go to…

The Re-enchantment of Everyday Life: An interview with Thomas Moore

Keep your hearts and minds open…. don’t let life pass you by….  Let yourself be enchanted. ..Your soul will thank you  ♡



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