I wake up in the morning with an ache in my stomach and chest and tears in my eyes. Each day just wanting to go back to sleep…don’t want to feel this….it hurts too much. I try to have the strength to get out of bed and face each day…. I sit up, take a deep breath and take a few minutes to sit on the side of the bed….and tears start to well up in my eyes…. I wipe them away….close my eyes and turn my face to the window and let the sun touch my face….clench the side of the bed with my hands and think to myself, you can do this….

I can’t be who he wants me to be…..all I can be is me….and to feel like that’s not enough,  to someone you were so hopeful felt the same way, is a knife to the heart. It’s an actual pain to my chest. How can he not see me…ME…..all he sees is the bullshit going on around me….does he even realize that shit  isn’t me…..it’s just stuff I am having to deal with….and through all of it , I am still standing on my goddamn feet…..doesn’t that say something about me as a woman….I stand and I deal….no matter what. Not once did I ask him to bail me out, to save me….I’ve handled each thing myself. All I ever wanted from him was to have him by my side….to know he was in my corner…to know I wasn’t alone. I don’t need anyone to save me….I just wanted him by my side as I handled the shit being thrown my way. But, sitting here,I’ve realized, if he’s willing to walk away from me because of the shit going on around me….because everything isn’t all champagne and roses…..then that just shows me what type of man he is…..if I was to to get really sick again or something worse happened, that just shows me that he wouldn’t stay and be the strong man I can count on to be in my corner…. and I don’t want someone like that in my life….life is messy, it’s unpredictable. …it’s not perfect….I can’t wear a mask and pretend and be plastic  ” fake ” ….that’s not me….if that’s what he thinks life should be or how a partner is going to be, well then he’s going to be real lonely….or get bored with the plastics and miss a real authentic woman. A woman who can handle whatever life throws at her….and isn’t afraid to get dirty and cry and scream and laugh and dance and be silly….be real….I don’t have anything to pretend for and I don’t want to….life is too short…. I just want someone I can be real with…..someone who isn’t afraid of storms and doesnt run for shelter when shit gets tough…..no…… I want a man who will face that shit with me. 

I don’t want to do the what ifs….but just for a moment I’m going to allow myself to write them all down and release them….. I just wanted him to know me….the me before an ex husband….the me before kids…..that person is still in here wanting to run free with the right man. I am still filled with so much love and passion, even after all the heartache I’ve endured ….I just wanted him to feel what it feels like to be free and wild and in mad love…..to take him on adventures and make memories….to see him smile and laugh until he cried….roll around in bed making love and look in his eye with tears in mine…. show him how much he touches my soul….and have him feel what it feels like when someone touches you so deeply ,that it moves you to tears…..I could’ve loved him like that…. I wanted him to look in my eye and see that same feeling, that we feel each other so deeply …..it’s the most moving, magickal,  sensual feeling to know you love someone so much that in that moment you can feel their soul. I wanted to show him the deepest parts of me and bring forth the deepest parts of him…. but that will never be…. to him, I suppose  I am not that…. he’d rather have the plastics it seems…. I don’t know…. he will one day realize I could’ve taken him on the journey to his soul and he’s going to wish he had the balls to have stayed and found that with me…. no other woman is going to bring him to that level…. in my soul, I truly feel that and believe that….. how can he not see and feel who I am…. an oracle. ….one who would have loved him like no other…..my heart is broken and it is painful….but beautiful at the same time….he broke me wide open and made me realize I’m not less than….I’m too much for the wrong man…..this heartache broke open a piece in me that right now feels like death, but I know it is the transcendence I needed to move me past my limitations of the heart and mind and it is a bittersweet beautiful death. …..and I will not fight it…..I will feel every bit of it….and cry and smile….. I loved…. I LOVED…..and I will never be sorry for that.

TO HIM….

I need to thank you….

Thank you for waking my soul…it had been sleeping for far too long

Thank you for always listening

Thank you for all the incredibly thoughtful things you’ve done and given me….no one has ever shown such thoughtfulness

Thank you for always being the calmness I needed… I am a fierce and fiery woman and to have your calmness was to me the perfect balance….to bring me back down to myself in times when I needed it…. I always appreciated that so much and was grateful to have you be like that with me.

Thank you for giving me hope….hope that there is always a better tomorrow. ..it’s all in the mindset….thank you for always reminding me of that.

Thank you for our brilliant conversations and sometimes debates and challenging me…..challenging my thoughts, mind and heart.

Thank you for teaching me my worth….it is in my heartache that I have completely found that.

Thank you for helping me to feel that my dreams of going on adventures again were only in fingers reach…and because of that I am wholeheartedly pursuing them.

Thank you for opening my heart and overflowing it with the most intoxicatingly beautiful feeling of falling in love.

Thank you for breaking my heart wide open…..it needed to bleed, to breath, to feel, to let every bit of emotion I’ve kept hidden, come rushing out…. and in that, the light has finally come in. …and the most beautiful parts of me can now bloom.